AT&T and FedEx sucks

Today’s article is free because I want everybody to know how much AT&T and FedEx sucks. If you agree with me, please become a subscriber and we can be curmudgeonly together.

I usually write a column on Monday night. I'm a day behind because of some epic scumbaggery that I will attempt to describe using the least amount of curse words possible.

First off, my AT&T account was hacked. It happens. My fault. I must have been careless somehow. As the day wore on yesterday I learned that it happens quite a bit. Our hackers seemed a little extra jizzed, however, and somehow managed to purchase 8 Iphone 13s in my name, without AT&T thinking it was at all strange. Or perhaps asking ME if I thought it was strange. They also did not think that 4 different packages being sent to 3 different physical addresses, one in another state, was at all unusual activity. As you read this, I will point out a myriad of ways in which AT&T sucks. Their complete lack of self-awareness when it comes to easily thwarting blatant fraud is simply the first of many.

Anyway.....after receiving a bill with a phone number on it I did not recognize, I logged into my account and saw the carnage. Purchases of the aforementioned phones made over a 3 day period. I immediately called customer service, and was forced to point out the THEM what my account was actually showing. Maybe it was the guy's first day. Anyway, his sole reaction was "hmmmmm.....this isn't good"....which was probably the only time an actual rep wasn't blatantly lying to me the entire day. He declared it fraud, and forwarded my call to the "fraud department". I sat on-hold for 15 minutes, and then was directed to a message that directed me to a website. No live person. I immediately called customer service back. Went through the entire spiel with a new rep ("hmmmmm.....this isn't good" mach II), and demanded to be sent to an actual PERSON in said fraud department. I was promised this would occur. Did it? It did not. I was sent to the same automated message. I figured third time would be the charm. New person. Same spiel. This time they promised they would actually stay on the line until a fraud person arrived. She seemed genuine enough and actually checked in with me saying "I'm still here..." She soon grew tired of this, however, and without warning forwarded me to the same automated message. My third and final fuck-off. By this time I was in a murderous rage, and could only guess that AT&T was in some sort of contest with COMCAST to provide the world's shittiest customer service.

So what now? Well, I filled out the online fraud form on the website they seemed so intent on sending me to, and was told somebody or something would be in touch with me "in 5 business days". So at least there was a sense of urgency.

But, dear reader, there is more. MUCH more.

When I checked the details of my account, the orders placed had FedEx tracking numbers. One went to a New Jersey address. Two went to a house around the corner from us.....an empty house fronted with a For-Sale sign for the last 2 years. Since AT&T, in their unrelenting drive to suck, does not require delivery signatures when they send out $1000 Iphones, you can see where this is going.

By the way. The New Jersey address? I looked it up. Guess what? It's for sale.....with a large sign in the front yard.

The last order was shipped to our address. It showed "delivered" on July 14th at 3:21pm. Since there was no such delivery, we checked our Ring camera history, and at that exact time a strange dark car was parked in front of our mailbox as a FedEx truck slowly drove by. "Hmmmmm......this isn't good" part III. Let me say that the camera kicked on at 3:21:55, one minute after the FedEx driver lied and said they placed the package "on front porch". So I did not see the package actually being handed to the guy in the strange car in front of my house. What I also didn't see on my Ring camera was a FedEx driver putting a package on my fucking porch as he claimed. After the FedEx truck drove way, so did the car parked in front of my mail-box.

What would you think?

So I called what passes for FedEx customer service and tried to explain my issue to a "virtual assistant", which went about as well as you might expect. It was like arguing with a Facebook bot. I was forced to google a hack to get an actual person on the phone, and I found the correct voice and key combinations on an old Reddit thread. I explained my situation to the guy who had to be wondering how I had possibly gotten through to him in the first place, and asked him if it was usual practice for their drivers to...

A. lie

B. give packages to strange dudes hanging out in window-darkened cars in front of mail boxes

C. Pile expensive Iphones on the porch of a house that has been unoccupied for 2 years

To be fair to this poor sod, I was still filled with my AT&T customer service rage, so he was taking the brunt of my steely sarcasm. But by this time I was convinced that FedEx and AT&T combined represented the Death Star.

He sheepishly admitted that such things were not in the employee manual. Other than that all he could suggest was that I open a "case", in which I tried to explain that my "missing" package was actually stolen Iphones that never should have been sent in the first place, and that there was strong circumstantial evidence (including video) that their own driver was in cahoots with a fucking criminal syndicate. (How else would the strange man in the car know the precise time of the delivery?) I had 256 spaces to explain this, by the way. This tested my editing skills.

Finally, in a desperate attempt to speak with an actual human at AT&T, I visited the store itself. The guy there was very helpful in a "there's not much we can do to help you" sort of way. He particularly enjoyed the video. He did inform me how common my plight was, and reiterated how brazen the criminals are, frequently visiting the store trying to scam them. Each of the 8 phones they purchased will be "blacklisted" by AT&T (that is, when they get around to my fraud ticket), and whoever is dumb enough to buy them will be left with a turd. Small consolation. The criminals already made their money, although, buyer beware, their customer service is apt be even worse than AT&T's, if that’s possible.

At this point the police were called, and unlike AT&T and FedEx, they did not suck. They took all the information we had, including video and FedEx tracking numbers and the mailing addresses, and the officer we dealt with seemed genuinely concerned. I'm grateful to the Archbald PD for not blowing us off.

Needless to say, I have not heard back from AT&T or FedEx.

The 8 Iphones remain tied to my account.

And so that's why there was no column on Monday.

How was your day?

In a bit...

--tf