What about Greenland?

This post is free for everyone because nothing really matters anymore. If you think it does, you can always become a paid subscriber, because I plan on having some fun here over the next 4 years. All that money you’re saving on eggs? Give it to ME! I’m only asking $5 a month.

And seriously, for that you get ALL of these things, which helps fund my own little corner of the resistance.

I know what you’re here for and no, I did not see it in real time. I was helping my daughter move into her new apartment. Load up. Two hour drive. Unload. Then another 2 hours back home. Long day. And it was cold as balls, which did all it could to make things more difficult. But spending time with my girls will always be my favorite thing in the world, so we chatted and listened to music and at one point she checked her phone and started filling me in on what he said in his speech and I kept saying “What about Greenland? What about Greenland?” because other than cheaper eggs that’s always been my primary concern and there was nothing. Front and center was the “Gulf of America” (I was told this bit made Hillary giggle), and our imminent take-over of the Panama Canal from a surely bewildered “China”….but Greenland appears to have been lost in the inaugural rhetorical haze of grievance, perhaps waylaid to make room for colonizing Mars. Which is fair I guess. For a moment I wondered how a nation intent on cutting government spending planned on colonizing Mars without spending all that saved money and then some, but the feeling passed like a wave of nausea.

Also, he promised to end birthright citizenship, which means that his Vice President’s wife should probably install a RING camera.

Anyway, we later heard that Elon (who days earlier forced out the brown guy in his office) gave the Sieg Heil salute TWICE, and neither of us seemed to think this was all that surprising. Admittedly, if you live in a nation where half the people who SEE someone give the Nazi salute on LIVE TELEVISION and justify it by saying things like “ah gee, that wasn’t REALLY the Nazi salute”, you probably live in a nation that is fucked, but I’m trying not to dive too deep here. With 4 more years of this there is no need to go to DEFCON 1 on the first day.

The silver lining is that Trump himself didn’t give the Nazi salute, and he’s the President. So we’ve got that going for us. Which is nice. Elon is just…..well……nobody is quite sure what Elon is exactly. A weirdo troll worth billions who bought his way into the West Wing thanks to a Dad who made a fortune from the evils of apartheid South Africa. Trump’s little buddy can’t stand still for more than 3 seconds without twitching and rolling his eyes and bouncing like a baby hen and…..well…..nazi saluting I guess. A “friend” of his tweeted (and quickly deleted) a defense claiming that the nazi salute is REALLY a “roman salute” and that Elon did it simply because he “want(s) to give my heart to you”…and it only looked awkward as fuck because he has “autism”. I have friends on the spectrum and none of them have ever snapped off a Nazi salute, so this seems wildly offensive to them…but I guess worrying about giving offense is not really a thing anymore since being woke will soon be unconstitutional.

And as much as people hate Mark Zuckerberg these days, at least he can credibly stand up and say “I may have sucked up to Trump like a newborn baby in search of his mother’s nipple but at least I didn’t give the fucking Hitler salute on live television”, and for that, grading on a curve, he deserves praise. Don’t expect any of this to sound normal. You’ll need to ease your way back in….

I won’t bore you with the usual litany of lies and bro-manship that this President gorges himself on in front of a live mic (at least his didn’t simulate a blow job on it this time), or the fact that the people his gibberish is primarily aimed at were quite literally locked outside in the cold…..barred from entering the same building they busted into 4 years earlier. The symbolism of this was historically eye-watering, and would be much more powerful all around if the Proud Boys and Oath Keepers could grasp such nuance (Hopefully none of them are diabetics who got used to $35 insulin, because that’s gone now). But then again the level of loyalty that keeps you waiting outside in the cold like a dog let out to pee and then forgotten about is admirable, and it turns out it was enough to get the Jan 6 criminals pardoned, including the ones who assaulted the police as they shouted “back the blue!” I’m kidding of course, they didn’t shout that. They were busy chanting “hang Mike Pence” and smearing shit on the walls. It doesn’t matter. They are all free now, and the “law and order” party is gonna need to do some verbal gymnastics to reclaim that mantle. And Pence might need to beef up his Secret Service protection.

Another interesting moment was when Melania Trump, who was dressed like the preacher in the movie Poltergeist 2, wouldn’t even allow her husband to kiss her on the cheek. He had to settle for an air-kiss instead. This was after he took the oath of office without placing his hand on the Bible, which is fine by me but if a Democrat did this every evangelical in the country would have had an instant aneurysm and started speaking in tongues.

Meanwhile, in a flurry of last minute pardons, Biden included family members I didn’t even know he had. And while I get wanting to keep them safe from a pack of vindictive gangsters, folks like Biden’s brother James has to be wondering “what the hell did I do?” If this nation survives, the whole pardon thing should be re-looked at, because it’s getting a bit silly, no? Also, the part where being a felon does not disqualify you from holding the highest office in the land. That bit too. If Dairy Queen won’t hire felons, the United States government shouldn’t either.

Whatever. I’m not going to say I don’t care anymore. I care deeply. Trump is dumb and dangerous, and he’s going to do great damage, potentially culminating in the complete collapse of our system of government.

But the small part of me that is here for entertainment value alone does not care. I’m the one-man dance band on the Titanic. This type of FAFO potential hasn’t been seen since Elon’s hand gesture was as common as picking your nose.

I wish everybody the best who wishes me the best. That seems fair, no?

In a bit…

—tf