"the lesser of multiple evils..."
Free column today. Not all of ‘em are free though. Soooo…..please?
Facebook is my social media app of choice. It seems the lesser of multiple evils. I have a Twitter/X account but never post anything over there because it was an apocalyptic hellscape filled with Russian bots and unapologetic homegrown misogynistic racists BEFORE Elon Musk took over. His Adderall addiction, combined with his billions, and his cult of MAGAfied tech bros, just made things worse, which did not seem possible. Just reading through Twitter threads is enough to prompt an intense downward spiral. Twitter is every jackass you’ve ever met in your entire life, in the same room.
I also have an Instagram account but other than pictures of my dog I can’t imagine what else I would post there that would be remotely interesting, so I don’t post anything. I use Facebook to share these columns, and to make the occasional snarky observation about how doomed we are as a species, or maybe what’s happening with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce, but that’s about it. I’m not exactly a social media power user. However, I am aware that there’s some basic rules that should be adhered to. I’ll go over a few of them, in no particular order.
Stop sharing stupid shit.
It sounds so simple. But every day otherwise intelligent people in various community forums are sharing posts of supposed missing/injured dogs or dementia-addled grandpas, or purported pictures of a guy stealing catalytic converters in Carbondale, and no matter how often you tell them that the posts are fake, created by fake profiles, with the comments turned off, they are back at it the next day, promising you a foreclosed house with all the fixings for $400 a month, at which point they are too far gone to reason with.
.
Don’t “poke” anybody via Facebook messenger
I have no idea why this feature, which probably seemed cute back in the innocent Tom/MySpace days, is still around. It’s downright creepy now, and has become one of the quickest ways to determine if the person who just friend requested you is a potential serial killer.
“My account has been hacked. Don’t accept any friend requests from me!”
No it hasn’t. It’s been “cloned” by a bot, and any of your “friends” dumb enough to accept a friend request from an obviously fake account deserve to have their catalytic converter stolen. Report the fake profile and move on, and stop being so dramatic. Nobody cares enough about your wall filled with dumb memes to crack your “password123” password.
The “I’ll bet nobody will share this post” post…
I still see these, and they’ve never been wrong. Not even once. The level of lazy, irritating dumbness required to hit the publish button on these is incandescent. Anybody who has ever posted one of these should not be allowed to vote. Or breed. And if you SHARE it? My God….
The “facebook does not have my permission to use my” post…
…which is then followed by paragraphs of legal gibberish from some “lawyer” named Billy Bob or something, who is graciously thanked for letting all of of us minions know that Zuckerberg was harvesting our messages and photos all this time, but has now been foiled by this clever bit of lawyering. No matter how many times fact-checking sites like Snopes debunk this one, it returns like an STD. And it’s always prefaced with “Don’t forget tomorrow starts the new Facebook rule….”, so you’d better hurry, eh? There’s been more “tomorrows” than rapture drop dead dates, BTW.
The “facebook is going to start charging a monthly fee” post.
Granted, this one was all over the place BEFORE social media was infected with Elon Musk’s “genius”, so it’s easy to see how this chip could be implanted into wooden heads. Alas, it’s not true, and no matter how many times you share it, that will not change. Also, anybody willing to pay $9.99 to post pictures of their restaurant plate should probably be outed, and the sooner the better.
Spelling like a 4 year old
Facebook literally comes with a built-in spell checker. It does everything but taser you BEFORE you make a post containing misspelled words. And if you fat-finger a post, you can edit it immediately. Alas, that’s not going to flag the “there / their / they’re / your / you’re” people, who are quite beyond rehabilitation. If these people were on the Starship Enterprise they should all be beamed down to the nearest planet wearing red shirts.
The “Texas Roadhouse will give a free steak dinner if you share this post” post…
It is absolutely astounding how many people who otherwise aren’t mental defectives fall for this one. I can only imagine the chaos this creates in the actual restaurants themselves, as countless dolts ring the phones and show up with screen shots of shared posts, expecting a New York Strip, gratis. We live in a country where AIR costs $1.50 at the gas station. Nobody is giving you anything for free. If you want a steak at the Texas Roadhouse get there at 6pm and wait an hour and a half to be seated just like everybody else.
Don’t argue with stupid people in comment sections.
The problem with stupid people is that they do not realize they are stupid. Some of the most self-confident people you’ll find are complete fucking morons. We’ve all broken this rule at times, and regretted it. Do not engage, no matter how tempting it is. WNEP-16, our top local news station, actually created their “Talkback-16” segment so these people could troll themselves. And yet they STILL don’t get it. Which is exactly what makes Talkback-16 so badass.
If somebody dive-bombs your own page with inane comments, delete the comment and block the person immediately. These are the same people who think the good looking bartender is digging them.
If you feel the urge to flame on somebody ELSE’S dumb post, you are one of the reasons we can no longer have nice things.
I feel like we need a 10th, just to satisfy my OCD. So….
Instead of Facebook, you’d be much better off subscribing to my weekly columns…
In a bit…
—tf
10 should be 1, I love your columns!