"How exactly this does NOT meet the definition of a coup d'état is something maybe the editors of the New York Times or the Washington Post can explain to a worried nation?"

At this point the USA is just a nationwide HIPAA violation. Somehow a handful of college bros (one of whom is 19 years old) armed with nothing other than a note from Elon Musk were able to waltz unopposed into the Office of Management and Budget and take control over the federal government’s bank accounts, which also includes all our social security numbers. This is where the so-called “guardrails of democracy” usually get raised. Or at least when armed security guards pull their weapons. Instead, for reasons that remain incomprehensible to those of us who are not fascists, everybody meekly stepped aside and let it happen. And were fired anyway. Let that be a lesson for any who think they can comply their way out of this.

The Musk-bros have actually been outed. Their names are Akash Bobba, Edward Coristine, Luke Farritor, Gautier Cole Killian, Gavin Kliger, and Ethan Shaotran. They look like the collective reason girls take their drinks with them to the bathroom. Needless to say that have no experience with government, nor do they have ANY security clearances whatsoever. They may have been told they are pledging a fraternity for all anybody knows at this point. What I am quite certain of is that since every single bit of this is illegal, these boys are probably gonna need lawyers if this nation comes back to its senses.

So in other words they might not need a lawyer.