Helter Skelter and Grendel

The Republican nominee for President of the United States is now a convicted felon, having finally won a popular vote. In my lifetime I watched political careers go up in flames for things like screeching too loudly (Howard Dean) and having a photo leak of a girl sitting in your lap (Gary Hart). Even Richard Nixon, whom journalist Hunter Thompson once compared to Grendel, was shamed into resigning when his plethora of brutish crimes showed up on his own taping system.

So one might expect 34 felonies to be the stake in the heart of Donald Trump, the leader of the “law and order” and “why didn’t he just comply?” crowd. Instead, before he even left the courthouse, and after once again insulting the judge who will be passing down his sentence next month, he beseeched his supporters for cash, and in the next few hours they sent him $34 million dollars. Or so he says. The man is, after all, incapable of telling the fucking truth about anything. But this time I believed him, because I know Trump supporters, and their tears at the guilty verdict were enough to water Bedminster National Golf Club, including the first fairway where one of his ex-wives is buried so Trump could receive a tax break. To own the libs, sometimes you gotta pay, Bubba.

Supporters were convinced that Joe Biden, whom you may recall has dementia, suddenly snapped out of his fog long enough to rig a state trial, acting as the Machiavellian puppet master over the judge, prosecution, and jury, because he hates freedom and handsome orange men. Or something. So the MAGAs dug deep and, despite the fact that the gold sneakers they ordered months ago still haven’t arrived, insisted on yet again helping a self-professed billionaire pay his legal bills. Because that’s what Jesus would do.

Speaking of Jesus, they dropped the J name almost immediately, comparing Trump’s plight to the Son of God in a series of quickie memes, one of which they didn’t realize contained a picture of a white robed Charles Manson hovering over Trump’s shoulder, touching his (tiny) hand. The internet can be a wild place, yo. Proceed at your own risk.

Whatever. In a way all of this is quite extraordinary. It’s a wild cult of personality. My dog and I have this thing where I grab his toy and he won’t let go, to the point where I can pull on it and physically lift him off the ground. He can grow almost rabid. His devotion to his toys is very Trumpian. Otherwise, he’s a perfectly good boy. I could probably use other examples, but this one seems seems a bullseye. If I had people surrounding me this devoted I might spew bullshit all day long too. How fun would it be to be able to claim literally anything, and be blindly believed? I mean, the man once redrew the border of Alabama with a sharpie, one of the greatest power moves in Presidential history if you don’t count the time he wanted you to inject bleach, forcing the company that makes Lysol to add an implicit warning not to administer its disinfectants “into the human body”, which, according to one poll, 10 million adult Americans actually tried after the Presidential push.

I’m not sure even Putin has this sort of power.

If you take the batshit-crazy-Guyana-people’s temple comparisons out of the equation, it’s VERY impressive.

During the Stormy trial (such as it will be known to history….Melania must be thrilled), some of Trump’s most shameless acolytes in Congress actually showed up at the courthouse DRESSED LIKE TRUMP……complete with the too-large dark blue suits, white shirts, with the red tie that hangs between the legs. I don’t even know if this sort of shit happens in North Korea. Bootlicking at this level is positively Stalinesque.

In the trial itself, a porn star that he claimed he never met was paid off for having sex he claimed they never had, which is quite the legal defense when you stop to think about it. It’s the stuff of a Columbo episode. But to actually stop and think would be like that scene in the movie Annie Hall when Woody Allen sneezes into the cocaine. The entire thing would evaporate and all you’d be left with is attempting to explain to your grandkids why you not only voted for a treasonous felon, but actually financially subsidized him as well.

Consider for a moment.

Trump’s former campaign chairman is a felon.

His former campaign vice chairman is a felon.

His former personal lawyer is a felon.

His former adviser and White House aide is a felon.

His former campaign adviser is a felon.

The Trump Organization’s former CFO is a felon.

His former White House national security advisor is a felon.

His former chief strategist is a felon.

At this point, if you’re NOT a felon you can’t sit at the Mar-a-Lago cool kids table.

I mean, the very stable genius even bankrupted fucking CASINOS, where the business model is people literally getting drunk and HANDING OVER THEIR MONEY. To lose money running a casino is a bit like MLB running out of baseballs.

And so it goes.

In a bit…

—tf